katie

Tue, 16 Nov 2004 04:27:30 GMT

why do bad things happen to such good people? and why do you realize what you should've done after its too late?

my great aunt died tonight. at 8:50, an hour ago. shit, it's so scary to know that exactly an hour ago now she was dying. an hour and 10 minutes ago she was alive. and then ten minutes later she was dead. god, this is so hard. of all my relatives, two have lived near chicago during my lifetime: effie and elna. elna died a little over a year ago, she was effie's sister. and now effie's dead too. effie and elna were quite possibly two of the coolest people i have ever met. and now they're both gone. when my mom had her brain hemorhage effie was the only one of my mom or dad's relatives who were supportive. she helped my parents so much through that. she's always been there for anyone who needed help. and during elna's last days she was right there by her side, even though elna had gone into full blown dimentia. effie finally had her life to herself for the first time in like 20 years when she and elna moved in together. then she fell in her basement and shattered her shoulder. she went into surgery and had a heart attack. her kidneys failed, then started up again. for a while there everyone thought she was gonna pull through. then earlier tonight they tried to take out the respirator tubes or whatever, but they found out her lungs were too weak. the options were to leave the respirator in, and she'd have to live with it for the rest of her life, or to take it out and see what happened. her son decided that it would be best to just let her go now. so they pulled the tube. then at 8:50 she died. i can't even imagine life without effie. i know for a fact taht she's always been my mom's favorite relative on her dad's side of the family, and she's always been my favorite relative on my mom's side. she was the first adult that i could ever hold a conversation with. she had the most amazing stories to tell. her family moved here from...some country right before the great depression, she watched my mom grow up, she watched me grow up, she rose from insane poverty to a comfortable standard of living. she was just an overall amazing person. and now she's gone. all of her stories are gone with her, and she'll live on only in the memories of the people who's lives she has touched.

i don't want to accept that she's gone. i feel like if i don't acknowledge it, don't go see her motionless at the funeral, that i can make it all better. that i can turn this into just a bad dream. nothing more, just a really bad dream. i hope beyond hope that i'll wake up tomorrow morning and none of this will be real. but i can feel it when i pinch myself, so i know this must be real. and the worst part of it all is that the last time i saw her was at elna's funeral, a full year ago. and now i'll never see her alive again.

Sun, 31 Oct 2004 06:23:42 GMT

omg, my friends mean so fucking much to me. i love them so much. greg stood up tonight and made a toast to all of us, he said, 'u guys are the best friends a person could have, i love you all so much' and it was so cool, cause we all felt the exact same way. god, i love them. i wish i saw them more often. i wonder what my parents would say if i asked to transfer schools? but i guess there'd be some highland parkys i'd miss. so i'll deal with just seeing them on weekends. gbn does have open campus lunch though...and block scheduling (homework can't be due the next day!). but no collage...i dunno

Sun, 24 Oct 2004 16:30:26 GMT

my mom didn't let me go to stoner's party last night. i was really mad. and insanely bored, so i went to bed at like 10:30, 10:30 on a saturday night when i should have been hanging out with my friends for another hour and a half. so, this morning at like 5 i was sorta in one of those phases where you're asleep and dreaming but awake enough to understand what you're dreaming about. and i had this dream that my mom was letting me go to dima's party today (which somehow turned into a sleepover instead of a bowling party...i dunno, it was a dream) and then i was talking to adam, and i dunno, it was just a really good dream, then i woke up, realized that even though it isn't a sleepover i have 0 chance of going to dima's party today, and i realized how very much im gonna miss my friends this week. don't get me wrong, i like the people i hang out with during the week at school, but they're only like a quarter of my friends. and i miss the other three quarters of my friends, who i only get to see like once a week, and now i won't get to see until next weekend, if im lucky.

i hate being home for long periods of time (like three days straight) because i always get in trouble. my mom and i have a good enough relationship when we see each other for like an hour a day, but when we're together for a full 72 hours, only bad things can come of that. yeah.

i have other things to say, but i don't really feel like thinking about what they are, so i don't remember them right now. adios

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 02:48:39 GMT

you know, understanding yourself may be the most underrated luxury a person can have.

Tue, 12 Oct 2004 23:41:16 GMT

wow, it was quite an eventful weekend. did a couple things i didn't think i'd do for a while. and while i had a lot of fun with the one, and it was important for me to do the other, i feel like people don't look at me the same anymore. and i realize i've been stupid to think that everyone would be quite as understanding as the people i trust above all others. i feel like as far as many of my friends are concerned i've become just another statistic. i can tell that they don't approve, i can tell that they're scared, but they don't come out there and say it, and they just try to avoid it. but once again, i was really fortunate in the past to find people who understood, and i was really naive to think that everyone would be the same. i guess i sorta figured that since i don't see them as big deals other people wouldn't either. and i guess when you come to live with a disease for years and years it's no biggie to you. i guess i just feel like i became closer with some of my friends this weekend, and put this huge unbridgeable gap between me and some of my other friends.

why the fuck do i screw up everything? why did i have to go and tell them? why was i so close to telling everyone instead of the select few i wound up telling? why did i think that people would think one a big deal and the other not? why were my expectations backwards? and why the hell does it not bother me that i sorta lost two or three of my close friends?

i came to a revelation this morning, im no longer wholesome as a wheatcracker. and while that's true, i still feel that way...i mean, i don't feel like anything changed after i did a couple things that i hadn't done. i don't feel like i've changed that much. but i guess i have. (i know the vagueness is probably pissing people off, but i just don't feel like being specific. use your imagination if you feel like it) i just don't feel like i've changed from the perfect little wheatcracker i was in eighth grade to the...not wheatcracker? of today. blah, this doesn't make any sense. i just felt like writing something and getting some feelings off my chest. it wasn't very effective though. oh well.

Sun, 26 Sep 2004 21:35:16 GMT

why is the one thing that i want more than anything else right now to just get sicker? why do i need that so much? why am i thinking about it at every waking moment of the day in one way or another? so many whys and not one answer. sometimes i scare myself...

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 04:55:06 GMT

i often wonder why i find it so hard to trust other people when it comes to myself. i never can quite believe that they're friends/more than friends with me because they just like me. i don't know why i can't see it as that simple. maybe im scared that i've never been really deeply hurt by someone, and to protect myself from that i refuse to believe they ever cared in the first place. or maybe it's just that i find myself so undeserving of their affection i pretend it's not real so i can't feel bad about it? sometimes i wish someone would explain me to myself

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 01:34:14 GMT

i hate the way i need things/people so much. i hate needing so many things just to remind me that im here. that this is life. what happened to the person i used to be? the little girl who was wholesome as a wheatcracker, living vicariously through her friends, but being perfectly content as such. why did things have to go so horribly wrong?

why did i feel so lost? why did i need to convince myself that i could still feel? why did that have to lead to this? why do i say this every night and never change anything?

god, im really starting to think that i need help.

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 18:55:26 GMT

Down, down, down. would the fall never end?

And so i went through the looking glass, stepped into thenetherworld...it is ever so easy to go. harder to find your way back.

Through the looking glass i went. and things turned upside down, inside out. words turned themselves around, and i heard things in reverse. inside the looking glass, you become the center of the universe. all things are reduced to their relationship with you...your mouth moves in soundless shapes. you lose a dimension, turn into a paper doll figure with painted eyes...

I'm sick of people always asking, 'what's wrong?' why does there always have to be something wrong?

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 04:45:23 GMT

tonight was the definition of a good night. spending time with good friends (the best of friends, i might add) and a someone who's a little more than a friend. it was a fantastic evening. i hope tomorrow night will be pretty much the same...larger group of people though, and people im less comfortable around. oh well, i'll just have to wait it out and see what happens. im enjoying this whole updating on a fairly regular basis thing (i know, two days in a row isn't very consistent, but it's getting there). until i have other important things to say...i bid thee goodnight.

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 03:40:24 GMT

i wish i could look for significant problems in my life and draw a blank, but there's this massive SOMETHING there that i can't forget about. i just can't, no matter what i do. the hardest part is sometimes i love it, it's the best coping mechanism i have i guess? but other times i hate it so so so very much. and while the 'good' times are way less frequent than the bad times, they keep me clinging to this huge something. i wish i could just forget about it, pretend it never happened, pretend i never got sucked into this. but i can't. and i know i'll never be able to pretend it didn't happen. this is something i know i'll live with for the rest of my life. one of those things that will always be addicting, calling to me, trying to ruin my life. and i wish i could just tell people and make them get me help, but im not ready for that. and i don't know how much it would help anyways. it's one of those things that you can live with, but can never be cured. too bad i never got a choice in the matter. my first memory that doesn't relate to something with intense emotions is about this. i think i was like six? and even if there wasn't a something to go along with the thought process, the thoughts would still be there. i feel trapped. there's nothing i can do that i feel would have a positive outcome. not to mention the fact that a lot of people wouldn't even believe me. sometimes i wish i could just be somebody else for a while. somebody who undoubtedly has problems of their own, but not such serious and consuming issues. why, of all things, does this have to be my addiction? and it's just that, an addiction. there are times when it takes over every one of my thoughts. every second is spent planning and lying to myself and others. and when it's not that intense, it's always in the background, everything remotely relates back to it. it's always in my conscious thoughts, always. and the worst part is, whenever i think im finally ready to give it up, it becomes ten times more appealing. and i get roped in all over again.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 23:59:14 GMT

it's been a long time since i updated. and so many many things have happened. and i've decided that since im bored im going to make a post in tribute to jon, cause he is the uber coolest. and that's really all im going to say about him, other than the fact that he has really nice hands and is a really good kisser :] i stole his hat. and im holding it ransom until i see him next (which will either be this winter or next summer). he's such a cool cool guy. and so unbelievably sweet. and hot. and ripped. and gifted with good hair. i think that's all im going to say about him. because otherwise im gonna start sounding crazy and weird and what not (not that i don't always sound crazy and weird...)

that was my whole post. i don't feel like writing about everything else that has happened since god knows how long ago i posted. and im going to end with the best question i was ever asked. once you have the person you like, ask yourself whether you still have a crush on them. that will tell you tons about your relationship.

one more thing...it feels good to have a crush on someone who has a crush on you back :]

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 00:32:19 GMT

wow...this is gonna sound really morbid, but blood has got to be one of the coolest things ever. actually...the whole process involved in a paper cut (which i got from my goddamn english paper by the way *evil eyes*) is so cool. the skin comes apart and the two halves just sort of slide along against each other, and of course then comes the blood itself, and then before you know it the whole things over, and it's healing itself. wow...i am officially impressed with the skin/blood systems.

Thu, 20 May 2004 02:48:55 GMT

this is so unbelievably true:
life is all about timing. you meet that person, in the right place, at the right time, and your world is turned upside down. you are completely immersed in that moment never to return again to the person you were. whether you like it or not, whether you want it or not, you will never be the same.

Mon, 10 May 2004 02:23:38 GMT

wow, it's been a while. in fact, it's been a long long while. hmmm, not too much to say though. im definately not looking forward to the ap test on tuesday, and i haven't studied for it at all. that could be bad, not like it matters if i fail though, it's only $80 down the drain plus the cost of taking the exact same class in college. wow, i think repeating psych in college would kill me. maybe it wouldn't be so bad with a different teacher/class. whatever, im just happy that the test will be over and we won't have to do anything in psych for the rest of the year and i can ditch sometimes without having to worry about missing something that might come up on the ap test.
i feel like there's something else that i wanted to say...oh right. it would be so convenient if my parents could figure out how to read a schedule before telling me that we need to leave the house at four in the morning. or before they make me leave whatever im doing with my friends at 9:30 when in fact we don't need to leave the house until eight. yes, that would be ever so convenient.
is there anything else that i wish to say? hmmm...not really. maybe sometime soon i'll figure out what other interesting things have happened, or just anything that wouldn't bore anybody reading this to death. yeah, that would be good.

Sat, 28 Feb 2004 18:12:06 GMT

i need something to do. and i hate it when my parents don't tell me that im babysitting. but shelah, i swear to god we will hang out sometime this weekend. even if it kills me. ok?
but seriously, my english homework is killing me, and there's nothing else to do. well, there's tons else to do, but nothing that i wanna do, alright? actually...i have this strange urge to go play guitar, but my mom won't let me till i finish mes devoirs. dammit, i hate writing thesis's. screw the english quiz, my thesis isn't gonna be amazing and i don't give a damn.
i feel like laying down and being thoughtful. sounds like a plan.
as much as i don't wanna babysit tonight, i need the money. i need it really bad. and i'll be there for six hours with 2 kids i think? but i dunno how much these people pay, never babysat for them before. hopefully they're one of those family's who will give you twenty dollars extra because they just don't have any bills smaller than a fifty. i like those kinds of people

Mon, 09 Feb 2004 00:52:54 GMT

alright, first i want to ask julia what that song that she commented with was. cause i really liked it. and now i want to post the lyrics to this song, cause i really like it. but nobody get any ideas from it, everything is just hunky dory.

the cup is not half empty as pessimists say
as far as he sees nothing's left in the cup
a whole cup full of nothing for him to indulge
since the voice of ambition has long since beenshut up
a singer, a writer, he's not dreaming now of going nowhere
he gave heed to nothing, and all that he wass...
is just a tragedy
so he voyages in circles
succeeds getting nowhere
and submits to the substance
that first got him there
then in violent, frustration he cries out to God or just no one
is there a point to this madness and all that he was...
is just a tragedy
he feels alone
his heart in his hand
he's alone
he feels alone
i feel...
then on that last day he breaks
and he stood tall
and he yelled...and he takes his life

ah, yes. that's a wonderful song. adios amigos

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 00:56:12 GMT

i love nature. i love how it's so predictable. not in the sense that you know what's gonna happen every day, but in the sense that it won't turn around and stab you in the back. it won't simply forget about you when you need it most. plus, there's this unbelievable beauty to nature that nothing manmade could ever come anywhere close to achieving. and when you sit down and look outside, or better yet, sit down outside and look around you, you become a part of everything that's going on around you. sometimes i wish people could be like that.

i also wish that more people could just understand. i wish that more people could just take a person as they are and accept them, all the flaws, imperfections, and quirks along with everything good about them too. i wish that people would listen more and talk less. i wish they would try to understand before trying to criticize. am i crazy to want all of these things? but i know that there are people out there like this, i've met some of them. what happened to unconditional love? and why do things change when you take a friendship a step farther. why does it really matter what other people think of a person you love, and i mean love in the everyone that you truly care about way. why are people so skeptical of love in the first place?

and the last thing thought that i'll bother everyone with tonight...why do i even care? why can't i just accept that people are vicious, and often resemble vicious cold-blooded pieces of toast (okay, i just had to throw that in there). and if i care about these things so much, why am i still friends with people who don't exhibit these qualities? why can't i be mean to people? why is it that when somebody hurts me, i don't tell them how im feeling, and if i do, i tell them not to worry, and that i forgive them? and it's not as if im lying either. i really do forgive all of these people. all of the people who have hurt me in the past...i still love them with all of my heart (with the exception of evan, he really is a bastard and i dislike him). why do i put myself through the torment of trying to be friends with people who don't put any effort into the friendship? why do i see what im doing and continue doing it.

someone once told me that the people who matter don't mind and the people who mind don't matter. but why am i scared that all the people who matter to me will mind? why do i constantly feel like i need to hide from them? why do i change myself to be more of what i think they'll like? aren't i really lying to the both of us?

finally...once i see all of these things, and acknowledge them, why don't i do anything to change. and forgive me if i said basically the same thing tuesday, but these thoughts keep plaguing me, so i have to write them down.

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 18:42:58 GMT

blah. i know that there's something really important and insightful that i wanted to post about. the thing is...i can't remember what it is. let me think...hmmm...but i don't think i've been getting enough quality sleep lately and my head stopped working this morning. i think that might be a problem. but i dunno, like i said, my head isn't working. speaking of thinking though, sometimes i think that i think way too much. like a couple weeks back, i just kept on thinking about these things, and they kept on making me way more depressed, and then i'd think about them more. then i stopped thinking and started doing my homework. ironic how that happens...i started doing my homework and as a result stopped thinking. what does that say about school?
in other news, since i still can't think of this really profound thing that i needed to post, but my other news is that the perks of being a wallflower is the best book ever. ever. ever. and i think i might've learned a couple things from it, like it isn't always the worst thing in the world to not be involved in a coversation or whatever, sometimes it's nice to just sit and watch. look at people and try to understand what's going on with them. i've started doing and i think it has allowed me to understand myself a little bit better too. you see, sometimes it is better to just watch things go on around you, and understand what's happening, both the flaws and the good parts of it, than to be a part of it and not see what's going on at all. there have been so many times that i've wanted so much to be a part of something that i couldn't even see what it was. yes, that was the profound thing that i wanted to post. it's really not that profound, but it led to a lot of personal growth i suppose you could say.
you, know, i've been a much happier person since i stopped thinking, and now i know how i was so different last school year, i did my homework, and didn't think about anything. and while i love this feeling of enjoying things again, i dunno if it really is a good trade off. i mean, is happiness really worth not thinking, and is thinking really worth unhappiness/depression? what im trying to say is, i wish more than anything in the world that i could be happy and think at the same time. i wish i could lay down and let a song overcome me, but now all i hear is the melody, and the rhyme of the words, i don't hear the actual words. i wish that i could look out at the snow and let the enormity of it wash over me, but that doesn't happen any more either. but i don't miss the insane depression that would overcome me every night. i don't miss hiding my feelings from everyone else, lying to everyone i care about so that they wouldn't know how much pain i was in. and i don't know if i would start thinking again if it meant that i would have to feel those things again. i just don't know if im ready to sacrifice all that. but i don't know if im ready to sacrifice all of my thoughts either. it really is this cruel and never ending circle. and i don't know if there's any way for me at least to break out of it.
in other other news, i've been having a blast with my friends lately, all of them, and it's been fantastic. and mack's setting me up with adam. i wonder what he's like. he's prolly coming skating this saturday though, so that should be fun. pearl warned me about him, said he was mackey's idea of a normal person, but normal people don't see things that way. then i told her that i wasn't exactly normal either, she laughed and just said, yeah, but ur more normal than mack. i like non-normalcy though.
and labels are for cans

hello

Mon, 02 Feb 2004 18:09:42 GMT

david is the coolest and he's helping me set this up right now. thanx dahveed!
so, hi everybody. i have a cool livejournal now. i have no posts yet, as im sure you've noticed. if you want to go read some old posts, go to my xanga. gred_and_forge! yay for xanga. but livejournal is cool too.